Medication Nation
Trigger Warning: I talk about anxiety, depression and medication in this piece. If hearing raw stories about theses topics makes you uneasy or aren’t helpful, feel free to take a beat and skip this one. We’ll be here when you come back.
Chapter 1: “Not Carrie” Carrie
It was the night of my 29th birthday, and I was sitting around my parents’ kitchen table with my family and my girlfriend. We were on the last note of “happy birthday tooooo youuuuuu……” when it happened.
Alright, now why don’t we all go around and say something we love about Carrie?” Said my mom. Now If you know me, you know that there’s nothing more I love than some cheesy emotional “you mean so much to me” talk. But today was different. I tried to speak as I felt the frog in my throat. Swallowing, I waved my hands up in the air.
“ Ah, not tonight guys. I love you all so much, just not tonight.”
By that point, it wasn’t a matter of IF I would cry during the day, but a when, and…how long. After dinner, Brooke and I headed out to the porch to sit with my niece. She sat there, bouncing Kenny on her knees, studying my face.
“I love you, but you’re really giving me ‘My Sister’s Keeper’s’ vibes right now with the blanket wrapped around your head, shivering in your seat like that.” I smiled.
“the beach scene, huh.”
“yeah.”
I choked back tears.
“What can I do to help?” She said.
“Honestly, I don’t even know. I literally don’t. even. know anymore. I’m just sad. And tired.
There was always this unspoken dialogue hanging between the two of us: Her wondering why I was so sad, me asking myself the same question, not getting any real answers which made me sadder, and both of us left the same place we started. By that point, I’d been struggling pretty hard for months. But zooming out, there was always this larger trend that I felt creeping in the background of my life, all my life.
Chapter 2: Depressed & Completely Unaware of it (2019)
In 2019, as you can probably tell from the P A N I C K E D email I sent my ‘Life Coach’ at the time, I had fallen into a depression without realizing I was in a depression. With no answers in sight, I convinced myself I was anemic, or had celiacs disease, or was having some sort of reaction to something. I mean, SURELY there must be something anatomically wrong with me, right? I went to the doctor and got alllll the tests → blood taken, heart tests, talked with a dietician and went on a specific diet, even got an STD test lol. After everything came back negative, my best friend Monica said:
“Carrie, I think you might be depressed.”
“Nooo…. I know what depression looks like. I’ve diagnosed other people before. My depression radar is almost better than my gaydar. I really don’t think I have it. I really really don’t!” I said in between heaping sobs. Go figure.
After a few months, I got back on my feet and thought the worst was behind me. But as John Moe puts it in The Hilarious World of Depression, “If you don’t deal with your depression, your depression will show up and make you deal with It.”
Slowly the window of “feeling good” got smaller and smaller. I spent so much time trying to ride the waves of my influx of emotions: doing calendar math on when I was going to get my period, quit drinking for 6 months to avoid hangovers. Tried every homeopathic route I could get my hands on. Only now looking back do I realize how much of a time (and energy) suck it was.
CARRIE’S “LETS CHANGE” PATTERN, AKA HAMSTER WHEEL OF INSANITY:
“I’m exhausted. I’m sad. I’m tired.”
Alright, let’s muster up the energy to CHANGE! Big time!
*musters up energy. Changes. Hits wall.
I’m exhausted-er. I’m sad-der. I’m tired-der.
The more I went around and around the hamster wheel each time, I lost a lil bit more of myself. And a lil bit more. Until I didn’t even have the energy for #2 and # 3. By my birthday in September, I was just exhausted, and tired. And exhausted, and tired. (And anxious, but that’s a whooole different can of weed gummy worms I’ll get into another day.) In a last ditch effort to ‘Change My Circumstances’, I decided that the problem was Life Itself. So the only thing left to do was to Tony Robbins the shit out of this and just #TAKEMASSIVEVACTION— Quit. EVERYTHING.
My job making me feel shitty? QUIT!
Not feeling great in my relationship? QUIT!
Just signed a lease in New York City and not happy here? QUIT!!!!
After all, if my circumstances are making me sad then why don’t I just change them?
The day after my birthday, I got up and went on a morning run to shake out the emotions. As Mark Duplass put it best, I was “ on a strict regimen of trying to get as much exercise as my limited amount of energy could get to try and get my endorphins going…”
I laid down on my bed post-run, and blurted out “I think I’m depressed” to Brooke. She plopped down next to me. “ I love you. And think so too.” And then she said something that changed everything for me: “And for the record, I don’t think your job is the problem. I don’t think New York’s the problem. and although I may be biased, I don’t think our relationship is the problem either. I’ve read your journal entries, and the pictures you’ve taken of yourself when you’re having a “bad period week” over the past few years, and it makes me so sad.
I don’t think you just “have depression.” I think you’re really suffering from it.
And look. If you wanna go make this big move across the country, and quit everything then by all means, go. I just want you to be fulfilled, I really do. But on the offset chance you wanna stay, and you wanna get better? I’m here. And I’ll support you. “
“Get Better.” Those two words were like a life preserver. “Get Better”, like this was a sickness. Something inherited. Not a result of being lazy and making poor life choices, that brought me to this place. “If you want to get better…” I gave myself a centimeter of grace. And felt it.
The next day I had an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist.
“It’s not successful people who are happy and grateful. It’s happy and grateful people who are successful.”
- Probably a Glennon Doyle podcast
Chapter 3: Meeting My New Psychiatrist
Dr. A was a brilliant and kind psychiatrist, who had enough of a flamboyant fire inside him to be Dan Levy’s doppelganger in Schitt’s Creek. He wasn’t afraid to tell me like it was, which I appreciated.
When I described my “QUIT EVERYTHING !!!!!” plan of action to him, he wide eyed responded:
“okay so first… don’t… uhh….do that?”
“Okay, cool cool cool. Soooo this is the part where you tell me that I should just give up my life and take this leetle pill that’s going to make me docile, and agreeable, and happy in this stupid little bubble of a life I have. I’ll never actually change, but hey, I’ll be happy! I’m sorry but that sounds like the plot of Don’t Worry Darling. PLUS, not to mention, I like my high highs and low lows. Some of the most passionate action I’ve ever taken has come from those places. If I don’t have them anymore, I’ll be this lobotomized cereal box of a human. “
He said “I hear you. But look, We’re going to get you feeling better, so that you can actually look at these areas of your life and make a PLAN towards achieving those goals. It sounds like you do want to make some changes in your life, and I think that’s great. But you’re signing up for a marathon with a broken foot. Let’s get you healthy first, then approach these topics. And ps, that’s not the plot of Don’t Worry Darling. Aren’t you like an actor or something? Lol. “
After the session, I still wasn’t convinced. And I’d just gotten over my period, so I was actually having a pretty good week compared to the wreck I was when I made the appointment in the first place. By this time, I was starting to talk with friends about going on meds, to which I heard everything from “they changed my life” to “they ruined my life.” Not really the russian roulette I was looking for, which only confused me more. In short, I was confused and terrified. But more than I was terrified, I was tired. And by that point, really anything seemed better than the hamster wheel.
So, after a few more sessions, I tried it. The first week was an all out nightmare. I got all the side effects- nausea & vomiting (I took a look at a steak and almost didn’t make it), sleeplessness & extreme anxiety. I almost quit that first week.
And then, slowly but surely the fog lifted. Mark Duplass puts it best so I’m just quoting him here: “It’s that moment where people talk about in physical injuries, when people say ‘Jesus I didn’t realize how bad my leg was hurting until it stopped hurting.’” For the first time I slowed down, and it felt good. For the first time I realized what my Mentor was telling me: that the high highs and low lows weren’t actually the things I missed. They were the things that were keeping me from being present in my life.
Instead of these huge swings, I had smaller swings. And the prize in return was that I could wake up the next day and get after it. And the next day. And the next day. I could go “all out” in the little things. It made me trust myself in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. Monica said a few weeks ago “Carrie’s Back” and guess what? I believed her.
Chapter 5: Maybe I’ll Regret This
As my favorite Artist Abbi Jacobson in her book “I Might Regret This” once said, I might regret this.
Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and hate medicine. Maybe the medicine will stop working and I’ll get really depressed. Maybe I’ll have a reaction to zoloft. Maybe I'll read this one day and cringe. Maybe I’ll feel like I sound like a dumb white girl who’s touting her privileged problems. Maybe people will think I’m washed up, Or evangelical, Or just plain WRONG. But I’m tired of writing and not sharing because of the potential side effects of putting myself out there. “Potential side effects” kept me from making this life saving decision for far too long. I’m not doing that again.
The truth is that there ARE intense side effects that can happen. All I can say is I got to the point where the side effects of depression outweighed the side effects that I could have potentially experienced. And that I feel like myself again.
If you’re on the fence about medication, and I’m going to sound like a total infomercial here, consult with a good doctor. Operative word here is GOOD. Hit me up about the process in finding someone that fits.
Okay, that’s all for now. I hope you enjoyed this blog. If you did, share it, if not, that’s okay. And be sure to check out the references list. These are all hand picked articles and art that helped me feel good about my decisions. I hope you do what’s best for you, no matter what that is.
Stuff My Friends Have Told Me That Stuck W/ Me:
"Using medicine as a tool Is like turning windshield wipers on in my life." - Cat
"It’s like taking off an invisible wet blanket thats been on you" - Cat
"It’s not a boat. It’s a life raft. You have to do the work." - George
“I was sick of my anxiety trying to convince myself that my life isn’t already pretty sweet as is” -Jake
“It's just like they turn down the noise a lil bit” - Sophie
“Literally soooo many people are on it Carrie lol.” - Krump
“Sometimes you need a medical answer to a medical problem” - Sophie
References
Rupi Kaur's poem "Depression doesn't knock" (and no I don't care if you think she's chuegy)
https://makeitok.org — fav mental health organization
https://www.hilariousworld.org/episode/2019/11/11/mark-duplass-has-two-speeds-go-and-crash
DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, just a gal with some stories. If you are considering medication as a tool, consult with a doctor! If you're not in the position to get medical help, I've linked some resources to help you take the next best step. All in all, do what's best for you.